Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
