i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
