i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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