I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But theres a keg here and me gusta
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
