it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
