I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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