Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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