Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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