So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
