Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
