I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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