so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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