Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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