Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
