Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
