Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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