piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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