Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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