she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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