I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And my parents said I crawled through the house
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
