I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
