Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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