I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
