She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
