I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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