he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
