What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
