I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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