i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
