Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
