I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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