The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
