Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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