I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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