I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
