so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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