Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
