where am i from again
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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