Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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