what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
