i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
