I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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