Soap is not a condiment
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I did not marry a roomba.
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