I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
