Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize