I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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