If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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