Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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