I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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