i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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