I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
