i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
