Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
