Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
