I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize