He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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