what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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