i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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